Hey all.

I’m in a much better mood today. Probably thanks to my friend (the one I debate with all the time) and because of my friends at school. Between them, they managed to get me into a reasonably cheerful state. I’m sitting on my beanbag, in front of my desk and with the keyboard on my lap because I can’t be bothered to move the chair closer. Since it’s at my other desk. Since I should be doing homework now, but I’m too lazy to move it closer. And yes, I do have homework on the first freaking day of school.

It’s amazing how you can miss someone without noticing it. I don’t generally miss people. For me, when I miss someone, it is usually triggered by something I saw or heard or think about. So my brain automatically filters it out or something and I end up not missing people. Only when I see/talk to that person again do I realize that I have missed them. Like the self-defense mechanism realizes it’s not needed anywhere and turns off. And then I’m suddenly quite bright and happy again, because I was missing that person without realizing it. Very interesting.

I feel a lot better today. When I logged on to skype (yes I knew I said I wouldnt, but whatever. I stayed invisible so no-one else would talk to me) to talk to Woy yesterday and he asked me how I felt, I almost started crying. It’s so weird. Whenever I’m upset, I have this mentality of ‘It’s okay. You are getting yourself all worked up about this. You are overreacting. Take a deep breath and get it together, girl. It isn’t really that big of an issue…’ So that’s why I don’t really think that I’m depressed. Maybe I am. But as long as I don’t think so, it’s okay, right? I mean, unless I start wanting to slit my wrists or something. Which I won’t do, don’t worry.

Got a lot of my exam results today. Nothing particularly interesting, except my Science, which I am actually really proud of. For a change, I am thrilled about a mark. Oh joy. And I’m not going to post it here, because there are people reading this. But I am very happy with it. The rest of my marks are good, but whatever to that. The teachers can all go kill a kikiri. As can most of my rp friends. I’m just sick of everything. Well, almost everything. But whatever.

There’s a new guy in our class. Named Kyle. He was looking all lost at line-up today and the rest of the class were ignoring him. They tend to ignore pretty much everything on the first day of school except their friends. I’m pretty sure the school could burn down around them and they wouldn’t stop talking. But whatever. So he was standing there, quite close to my group of friends, seeing as we’re always the last to leave. I took pity on him and asked him which subjects he took. Agnes noticed him and promptly grabbed him and adopted him. /me chuckles. That girl cracks me up. She was complaining that she hurt all over from laughing too much during computers and Life Orientation…. So anyway, we showed the poor guy around and told him to follow one of us who had all the same subjects as he does. He managed to start finding his feet close to the end of the day, during English. Poor dude. I guess that our class can be pretty overwhelming, but whatever. We’re the best in the school… or the funniest anyway. Definitely not the quietest or the most hard-working. But everyone knows our name. That’s the price you pay for notoriety : P

Yeah. So I really have to go do some theory now. I’ll talk to ya’ll again later. I hope.

Your More Cheerful than Yesterday Sarcastic Poet

In some ways, I despise it. It means that I have to go into ‘mindless idiot’ mode because otherwise I freak at having to spend about an hour doing nothing useful at all. Except washing dishes. But that’s not useful. Either ‘mindless idiot’ mode or sort-out-my-head-and-psychoanalyze-myself mode. Which isn’t always that bad. I actually like it sometimes. That, plus the fact that I get to keep my hands in scaldingly hot water. Which is a delightful thing in winter.

But in my state of numbness today, it was unbearable. It’s like my mind was totally blank. I can’t bear blankness. When I’m numb, I have to be listening to something or reading something or something. I can’t be alone in quiet. Then I break down. I psychoanalyze myself so bad. At least when I psychoanalyze myself here, I write it down, so I can reread it and come to some conclusion. When I wash dishes I wander around in circles. Through a haze of thoughts and emotions. But whatever.

Now, the good things about being forced to wash dishes… um… like I said, you get to keep your hands in hot water, which is good in winter…um… I get to organize my thoughts, which is sometimes good. Washing dishes is also good for…. um… practicing ventriloquism (Something in the lines of Dinnerplate says to Fancy Silverdish “So what’s a nice plate like you doing in a sink like this….’). Yeah. Lame. Lamest of lame. But that’s what doing too many dishes does to you… *spooky music starts playing* ….You have been warned… *spooky music stops because I tripped over the power cable*

Your Local Dish-Washing Sarcastic Poet

Yeah.

So I’ll probably be around the whole day. I’ve decided to take a break from rping. And from almost every other form of internet communication including my emails, skyping and messenger. Only my blogs and facebook stays active for the next couple of days, maybe weeks. I need to get my head sorted out. As impossible as that might currently seem. And feels. And probably is. But I can try anyway. It might make me feel better.

No, don’t worry. I’m not really all that depressed. Just confused. I heard somewhere today that one of the signs of depression is loss in appetite. Well, no worries there then. I am hungry, I just don’t feel like eating. Oh great. That doesn’t sound very reassuring does it. Oh well. Deal.

I don’t know why I still bother opening up to people. All they ever do is hurt you. I should make like I use to: be friendly, but keep everyone at an arm’s length. Not that much chance of getting hurt if you do that. So I’ll just go into safe mode again, turn off the feelings and pain. Back to numbness. Which I had just managed to get over. Even though I know that being numb again is worse in the long term than feeling, I don’t even care. Numb takes everything away. Most of the time. Except in my dreams. But at least I have more than half of my 24 hours available then. I am actually mentally going through the motions of flicking switches. Switching off the sadness, the happiness, the anger, the hurt, the caring… my conscience stays though. I hate it sometimes, but I can’t bear switching it off. At least I still have that. Which means that I won’t turn into a serial killer or something. So the conscience has to stay. Don’t really mind all that much. That’s the one thing that’s always been there.

Numb again now. And still hungry. But I can’t be bothered with eating. I’ll probably be forced to later today anyway.

I don’t know how I survived without blogging the last couple of weeks. All I want to do right now is blog. I still think it’s addictive. Just googled it and the general consensus is yes. Honestly, where would we all be without google? We’d live our lives in the dark without any opinions on half of the things in the world. At least with google, we get to read other people’s opinions and then adopt them as our own (depending on who has the nicest fonts and graphics)… all in the name of education. Great isn’t it.

But back to the whole addictive thing, apparently is triggers the limbic system in the brain, which is the part of your brain that controls drives. Here’s the address if you’re interested:http://atlanta.creativeloafing.com/gyrobase/is_blogging_addictive_/Content?oid=496375

So I guess this means that you develop a ‘drive’ for blogging the same way you would for food or music (if you’re into that). Interesting.

So much for practicing piano.
/me sighs
I have that rare strain of boredom again…. so much I can and should do, but nothing that I feel like doing. I don’t want to go work. I don’t want to practice piano. I don’t want to eat, even though I’m pretty sure that I’m hungry… Don’t want to go poetry-blog-hunting. Don’t even want to go on PS.Strange how I was fine when I wasn’t blogging, but now that I’m writing again, I can’t seem to stop. Maybe it’s addictive. Like a drug. Or more like nicotine actually. Doesn’t give you a high, just makes you numb. Numb. All over. Maybe some hot chocolate will help.
/me reads that sentence again.
Oh help. Did I just say that hot chocolate might help against numbness? Then I definitely don’t have it together.
/me checks for a fever.
Nope, not that.
/me goes to make some hot chocolate anywayI have officially perfected the art of hot chocolate making. Almost as well as my two minute noodles. And since I have nothing better to do, I shall now post the instrutions here. And yes, in case you were wondering, this is pretty much the range of my cooking abilities. Apart from pancakes and toast.Hot chocolate:

Yeah okay.
So call me lame, but I’ve found a couple of other poems that I wrote before. Here’s one of them:

I feel numb, but pleasantly so. It definitely doesn’t feel like anything’s wrong. Maybe this is why teenagers are forced to go to school. To prevent them from becoming pleasantly numb vegetables (see last post).I know that I’m only writing in simple sentances and it might seem kinda weird, but I’m totally writing thoughts here, not a conversation or an essay, so what the hey.