Random Rantings of a Sarcastic Poet » love

cravingoxygen — Thu, 15 May 2008 19:13:00 +0000

Long time no see…Hey. So… had a big IT test today. Got 59/61. After going to bed at half past eleven last night. School just never lets up, does it? Got a huge Accounting project, Science test, Science homework, Maths homework (Which I better do…), a summary about muscle tissue for Biology, Afrikaans test, LO test… *Sigh*

So the guy I like is officially gone now. He came to say goodbye today. For the last time. At least he looked really happy to see me. And he told me a couple of days ago that I have beautiful eyes.

My aunt and uncle are here. They were just relating the romantic story of how they met. Sometimes I wonder whether I will ever meet the right guy. Whether he even exists.
/me shrugs

And then I met this girl online. She’s currently the girlfriend of a guy who ‘adopted’ me as his sister online. The problem is, that she is totally in love with him. But she has been through some really horrible things in her life before and doesn’t want to get hurt again. Even worse, he hasn’t shown his face online for more than a week now… apparently his pc broke. And to make it worse… she declared her love for him in rl. He said that he loved her in rl too. But then his pc broke… and even though he said that he would be back by Monday, it’s Thursday and we still haven’t seen him. And then on top of this, this girl knows really mean people who do things to her that they have absolutely no right to do.
And the only thing that I can do about it is to be there for her when she needs a virtual hug or to rant or cry with or at someone. This girl has become like a sister to me and I can’t stand seeing her hurt the way that she is now. If I could just take all her hurt away, even if I had to have it, I would do it. I just can’t stand not being able to do something like this. At least, I hope I’m making a difference by being there for her. She once told me that my email made her smile the whole day and another time that I’m the friend she always needed, but never had. I hope that I’m at least making a dent in helping her somehow.

Last night was really scary. You see, my stepmom is in hospital for an operation and we went to visit. And I was just having these flashbacks. You see, my mom was a kidney patient, so she was in hospital regularly. Which meant that we were there to visit her regularly. Which means that I can find my way around pretty much any hospital seeing as I spent a large part of my primary school life in them.
So anyway… wherever we went, there were like stuff that reminded me so much of myself a couple of years back. There were like these really cute kids with their grandparents, waiting for who knows what; the typical image of me and my sister with our grandparents waiting for my mom a couple of years back.
And hospitals always seem to have these type of couches that look really pretty, but are way overstuffed and aren’t really comfortable at all. Well, we always used to sit on those playing with our parent’s cellphones while they talked. And of course the hospital was tiled. Like the hospital my mom was in when she taught us hop-scotch on the tiles. And there was the freaking pharmacy with boxes of practical jokes for sale on the counter. It was just really unsettling. And the hospital was in Pretoria, same as the one my mom was in.
I was quiet all the way back home. It’s like this just stirred up all those memories that I don’t even know whether I want or not. At times, it’s like I just want to forget it all, but I know that I can’t and somewhere deep inside I know that I don’t want to. Then I wouldn’t be me, I guess. Call me lame and emo if you want.
It was all just so tragic.

So. I still have Science to study and Maths and Bio to do. So I’ll go run a bubble bath and go sit there with my Science textbook. Then I’ll finish my summary and go to bed. Hopefully before 10:30. Over and out…

Your Local Bubble-Bath-Wanting Sarcastic Poet

cravingoxygen — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:27:00 +0000

HeyIt feels like my heart’s just been broken. No, it feels like my heart’s been ripped out, torn into little pieces, tossed into boiling water, cooked with a head of cabbage, filtered out, splatted onto cement and then stomped on. Yes, more like that. *sigh*

We’ve got this whole week off school ’cause of all the public holidays in it. So here I am, moping around. The light of my life is gone, the Planeshift server is down and I have piano tomorrow. *sigh again* On top of that, I can’t even have a hot bath since we’re still working from the generator. Also, I have that Bio project and a huge IT theory test. Isn’t life just great.

Enough with the pity party, it’s not going to make me feel any better is it…
So. Yeah. Um.
I’ve found this great song. It’s been on my playlist for ages and now I’ve rediscovered it. It’s called Baby Love. It’s really good. Today I Facebooked for a while, browsed around the Planeshift forums for a while seeing as their server is down, practiced piano, made an attempt at tidying my bedroom, read some of Lord of the Rings, blinked, breathed, talked, ate, etc. Nothing particularly
interesting. You might, however be interested in knowing this: my rp character is getting married! To a guy named Trakai. He is so sweet. There is this gazibo, okay and he went and mined tons of rubies and emeralds and diamonds and then decorated the whole gazibo. He also got, like, the most expensive hide in the game for us to sit on. And then he eventually proposed to Reea. How sweet is that?Not that sweet really helps against heartache, I guess. I’m not even back in school yet and I’m already miserable. I’m not very interesting today. Haven’t been for the past couple of days either. Well cry a river, build a bridge and get over it. (Thank goodness no-one’s reading this).

Well, I’m gonna go before I cause some permanent damage to ya’ll’s ears with all my whining.

Your Sarcastic Poet with a Ripped-Out-Torn-Tossed-Boiled-with-Cabbage-Filtered-Splatted-Stomped-On Heart

cravingoxygen — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 18:13:00 +0000

Yeah whatever.
I guess I should say hello, right?
Yeah, well, whatever.I’ve just had a series of perfectly horrible days. First of all, the local substation blew up or something, so we’ve been without power for the past couple of days. Hence me not posting. Now this means cold showers in winter, no hot chocolate, no browsing, no reading ’till late at night, no music, etc, etc, for those of you who don’t know. Yeah, well.

Secondly, I got my report. Which most people think is a good thing, considering my marks. But it’s not. My over-all average is 95%. And yes, I am in the upper three grades of high school. I should be really happy, right? But I’m not. It means that most people have even more reason to label me a freak, especially since Fishy (A guy in class) had to go and show the meanest half of the grade 11 class my report class. *Sigh*. Great.

I guess I should be really happy, but I’m not. And I can’t even blame it on exhaustion or PMS or anything any more. I don’t know why, but my marks just don’t excite me. And don’t get me wrong, I’m really proud of them and enjoy getting them, but for crying out loud!!!! Who gets that for an average?!?!?!?! It just depresses me.

And then, to crown a horrible week, the guy I like is leaving the school. He told me on Tuesday, the day that the power went off so I couldn’t even browse my worries away. At least I was the first person that he told. I’m probably the most miserable of all his friends. I couldn’t even concentrate in Accounting today. And that was some time ago. I feel so miserable. And yes, I am about to have a pity party. I’m allowed to, aren’t I? It’s not like anyone’s reading this, so here goes:
Who else am I supposed to bunk subs with? Who else am I supposed to be late for the next class with because we were doing maths? Who else am I supposed to hit over the head in Science? Who else am I supposed to race to Ma’am’s desk in Accounting. He was the one person who was never jealous of me and always just congratulated me and was nice to me and would ask me what was wrong. He was like the older brother I never had, the one I’m really in love with. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through tomorrow. Tomorrow’s the last time that I see him . Probably ever.

He’s really excited, though. I won’t give you an overview of his home situation; it’s really complex. He’s really glad to be able to get out and do his own thing and not be responsible for ten other people. And I respect him for that. He’s really looking forward to this and so, I’ll congratulate him and pretend that my freaking heart isn’t falling apart inside of me.

I better get offline. I still need to study IT. Which he’s dropping, since it’s a boarding school. Even his girlfriend isn’t as upset about this as I am, in fact, she doesn’t give a dam.

Anyway. More philosophizing tomorrow.

Your Sarcastic Poet with a Fallen-Apart Heart Inside of Her

cravingoxygen — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 21:19:00 +0000

Hey allI don’t know why I even bother writing as though there is someone reading this, since my
really nice hit counter still has lot’s of big fat zeros in it. Oh well.

Today I started by convincing myself to do some of my Biology. That’s how desperate I was. I did the easiest part. I didn’t feel like reading or piano or planeshift. I’ve been off planeshift for the past couple
of days. You see, you’re only supposed to do, like 3 quests at a time. Maximum. But, since many are still glitchy, I have, like nine or ten open. The problem is, that they trip each other up. And I’ve travelled for like an hour to get to this place to finish a quest, but the freaking thing trips up!!! I’ll make peace with it on Saturday and try a few other ways. I’ll have to since our guild’s big meeting is then. 12:00 GMT, 15:00 my time.

So there. Now that’s off my chest.

Having nothing better to do, I made some more cables and I have now earned R109. Which might actually buy a decent book. After making those, Leon threw me out. Apparently he wanted to make an ‘important call.’ Yeah right. Anyway, he was bored for the rest of the day and chilled with me in my room.
He had so much work last night that he was supposed to take some home to finish, but instead of working, he went to a raid on World of Warcraft. They were, like, 3 people and they totally wasted the Horde! Like 400 – 480 kills! By three people! So then he had to work till like 3 in the morning. lol. Serves him right.
He says he’ll ask his friend, the really smart single one, to copy World of Warcraft for me so that I can play too. That would be really cool. I’ve browsed it, and I’ve decided that if I were to play, I’d be a Blood Elf Mage. That would be really cool.

I’ve been listening to this brilliant song, Love is Wicked. The poetry in there is amazing. It uses gorgeous imagery. I quote:

Running around I just can’t get through my day
Thoughts of you just keep consuming me
I thought I could do it but now I see
That you’re not mine and I was wrong to think you’d change

And then some more:

Tears on my pillow ’cause your love is wicked
Cry me a river ’cause your love is wicked
Friends come around say your love is wicked
But the kisses what you get, don’t you know it’s wickedWhat must I go do to get over you
Anybody have a remedy or a cure?
Someone call a doctor or emergency crew
‘Cause me carry feeling for you, for you

That’s just some of it. It’s gorgeous though. That line ‘Cry me a river ’cause your love is wicked’ just captures what she must feel like so perfectly. I’m not going to analyze it any further though, I do enough of that in English. Which I’m going back to on Monday.*sigh*

I don’t feel like half a broken easter egg with my hole of an inside showing any more. Now it’s more like a boredom that’s not there because you don’t have anything to do, it’s there because you have so much that you should do and tons that you can do, but you don’t feel like doing any of it. I wonder what that can be compared to.
…
…
…
Oh who cares. You catch my drift anyway.

I wonder what I’m gonna do with my money. I could buy a book. I could save up for a new motherboard. I could buy a big bag of biltong with it. I could buy a stack of books at a second-hand bookshop. I could pay off may library fine. I could save it. Naaah. Never mind that last one. I think I’ll take the second-hand bookshop option. Unless some more suddenly materializes. Which I sort of doubt. Wait! I could always buy the HitchHiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Why is it that the first star that you see isn’t the brightest? I mean, if it wasn’t the brightest, why is it the first that you see? Oh well. Maybe I’ll right some more on this subject later.

I know what I want to do. I’ll read some good science fiction while I listen to some depressing love songs.

You know what really sucks? Having a guy that you totally love, but he doesn’t know it. Also, there are tons of reasons that it won’t work. I am totally head over heels for this one guy in my class. He is brilliant at Mathematics. And science when he wants to be. He’s really nice too. There are tons of problems though.
First of all, he’s black and I’m white. I don’t discriminate, but there is no way that my parents will even consider letting me go out with him. And I really don’t want to do it behind their back.
Secondly, my friends are really strict about the fact that you shouldn’t go out with your friend’s ex.
Thirdly, he’s a really great guy and I don’t want to risk it that this doesn’t work out and that our friendship is messed up.
Fourthly he regards me as his sister. You can see that in the way that he hugs me (no I’m not a stalker). He hugs his girlfriend in a certain way, his friends that are girls in a certain way and his friends that are girls but are so close that they’re practically his sisters in a different way. I’m in the last category.
Fifth(ly?): we once had this conversation regarding whether or not you would date your friends. Guess what he said. So there is no way, since he totally considers me his freaking sister from another mother.
Sixth, he has a girlfriend. And what’s worse, is that he comes to me for advice when things between aren’t what they should be. And in the meantime, I’m freaking in love with him. At least I do a good job of hiding it, I guess.

On the other hand, we have like almost all of our classes together. We even take IT as an extra subject after school together. We are freaking inseperable in Maths class. I sit on the one side of the class and he sits on the other side. Whenever we have work to do, though, we are constantly at each other’s desks. The teacher actually asked us why we don’t just sit together and stop bothering the rest by walking around. lol. Whenever we’re revising, she makes us sit at the back together so that we don’t start gesturing at each other across the class when we get inspiration. lol.
Also, he really does care about me. Listen to this, it’s so sweet. Don’t tell my parents, though, they’d freak.

All my friends consider me really sweet and innocent. I don’t drink, but not for the reasons they think. It’s not that I don’t like it, or that I’m too scared and/or innocent, or that I’m not allowed to or anything. It’s just that I have to make a stand for my prinsciples in some way and by not getting drunk when the rest of them are, I do that. I’m the one who you can always trust at a party, because I don’t drink. It’s just a lot easier not to get yourself drunk if you don’t drink at all, rather than to try to only drink responsibly. Not that I mind alcohol, but if I start drinking now, they’d regard it as me giving up my prinsciples. So, I don’t drink.
They don’t know all this though.
They’re just really nice about it and since I am probably the most innocent of all of them and they’re really nice, they’re forever trying their best not to get me into trouble by trying not to be late for class and helping me find my lost homework and not pressurizing me into drinking and buying cooldrink just for me when they’re having alcohol. Now the guy I like is so sweet that he even tries not to swear in front of me or play explicit songs or anything.
So now you have the background, here’s the story:

So we were, like six girls and four guys. Only three of the girls stayed for the sleepover, though. Of these the one girl, Hazel, was totally gone. She was sitting down on the floor and sulking under the tables and stuff. The guys weren’t drunk yet, they were saving themselves for the bottle of vodka that they had, but didn’t want to share with the rest of the people. Anyway, the one guy, Mimbi, mixed about quarter a glass of Red Square Blue with as much vodka and was trying to convince Hazel to down it.
My friend, Agnes and I let her taste it, but since her alcohol tolerance is really low, we took it away from her. She was really upset about it, though, as was Mbimbi. Whenever we put the glass down, one of them would take it, so I ended up carrying the stupid freaking glass around everywhere. So there I was holding this glass with fizzy, blue alcohol spiked with vodka while I was talking to one of my other friends.
Now the guy I like had been outside with his girlfriend and when he came in, he saw me holding this glass and laughing. He must have thought I was drunk. His face went like all hard and angry and asked what was in the glass and where I got it. I explained that it was Red Square Blue that Mbimbi spiked with vodka. If he wasn’t black, I swear he would’ve gone red. He was totally getting all angry and getting ready to beat the other guy, who’s like one of his best friends, up!
Maybe he was just mad that the other guy had taken out the vodka early, but on the other hand…
And he wasn’t drunk, in case you’re wondering. He actually drinks responsibly. He’s the only
one of the other guys who weren’t drunk later that night.
He’s really sweet. He’s probably the only person that I can actually have an intelligent conversation with in the whole class. No offense to anyone else. They’re all really great, but not into computers or maths.

So you tell me, do we stand a chance? Don’t answer that.

Okay. My soppy lovestruck moment is over. Thank goodness no-one is actually reading this.

Your local Sarcastic and apparently lovestruck Poet

Ballad of a Boyfrienless Outcast

cravingoxygen — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 19:34:00 +0000

Ballad of a Boyfriendless Outcast
AKA
Fallen for the Stranger I’ve Never MetI’ve never seen your face
Or the colour of your eyes.
I’ve never seen you smile
Or one of your teardrops as it dries.I’ve never felt your touch
Or the brush of your gaze.
I’ve never been with you a moment
Yet I’ve known you all my days.

Is it possible to love someone
Who you don’t even know?
I’ve fallen for a total stranger
To who I long to go.

I’ve never sensed your presence
In the middle of the crowd.
I’ve never heard you whisper;
Maybe all else is too loud.

I love you with everything inside me
All my dreams, hopes and wishes are yours.
Yet, for all I know, you’re one of them:
An empty fantasy at Death’s doors.

I’ve never spoken a word to you,
Though not out of choice.
I’ve never heard you make a sound
Yet, I’m sure I’d know your voice.

But somewhere deep inside me,
I know you do exist.
You must be out there somewhere
The little voice persists.

You’ve never ever seen me,
Yet I know I’ll know it’s you.
And when you see me, finally,
You’ll feel like you always knew

But I don’t know where to find you
Or look for you or call
As you might have noticed,
The world’s big and I’m pretty small.

You’ve never held me in your arms
When I was miserable or cried
Even though I’d say I was fine
You’d know that I had ied

The chances of me finding you,
When your very existance is questionable,
Doesn’t matter much to me,
No matter how unbelievable.

You’ve never put your hand in mine
To show me that you care.
You’ve never put your lips on mine
To show our love is rare.

But I believe in hope
And in faith and in love
And someday I know I’ll find you
‘Cause I believe in true love.

Okay, so it’s lame and lovestruck, but give me a break. I can’t be sarcastic all the time. And I’ve got copyright on this, so don’t go publishing it as yours all over the net or using it as lyrics for your song or whatever else you might want to do to or with it.
Comments welcome. If anyone’s even reading this. Why they’d be doing this I don’t know. (See, I’m back to my sarcastic self again).

Sarcastic Poet