Hey everyone. I really am a lot better today. Was pretty depressed on the weekend, but I’m sort of alternating between depressed and a pensive, contemplative mood. I am enjoying this mood very much. I’m just very quiet and calm (well, pretty much as usual) but I’m not down at all (in the up stages). I’m still down in the down stages, but that’s why you call them down stages, isn’t it. And no, that was not a question, just a statement that sounded like a question, but just to be rebellious, I am going to pretend it was a statement. Isn’t that just so dangerously rebellious. Pffft.

My head is aching. I wonder why. I feel a lot better than yesterday. Yesterday I was feeling pretty crap the whole day and I’m too much of an idiot to take any pills for it. It’s just not that bad. It’s just enough to bother me all the time, but not so much that I can’t handle it. So, of course, no pills for me. Just because I like to pretend that nothing’s wrong. Whatever.
My appetite (I have been eating the last couple of days) is gone again. Completely. Today I have had about a third of a bowl of muesli for breakfast and some pretzels around 3. I’m about to have a few slices of polony because I’m seeing an abnormally high amount of sparkly things in front of my eyes and the iron should help. And they’ll probably make me eat tonight. Whatever.

Okay. So Saturday I slept till around 10, talked to Woy for a while (was really cool. I listened to him give a science lesson in Polish ) and then went to some bookstore (they were having a sale) with my grandparents. I got an MxPx cd and a book. I also managed to hustle my moms for a Jars of Clay cd this Christmas. I met one of the guys from my IT class at the bookshop. He works there, lol. I totally didn’t expect to see him there. We got talking and had a pretty decent conversation (who says I’m asocial) until his manager saw us . He nearly got into trouble, so I decided that it would be a good time to leave roundabout then. *grins* The MxPx cd is cool btw. My favourite songs are Biting the Bullet (Is Bad for Business) and Bass So Low. Really good songs. I must confess I am not into their other songs just yet. But, in my opinion, it generally works that way. You like a couple of songs, but you listen to the others too and eventually you adore the whole cd. Or, at least, it works that way for me.

Mental note to self: get those cd’s from Astrid tomorrow.
Another mental note to self: nothing so say. I just felt like making another mental note
Yet another mental note to self: ah, something to say this time. Find your timetable.

Argh. I got some gingerbeer from the fridge, but it is way too sweet. And besides, it’s on an almost empty stomach. Now there’s a nearly full glass of gingerbeer watching my every move with great malevolence because I poured it but I don’t plan on drinking it. Yeah whatever.

My head hurts.

I hope to get my hands on a decent digital camera some time. I want to try my hand at some photography.

My head is still hurting. Rock music isn’t helping. Neither is a glass of menacing gingerbeer. *sighs*

Even though it might not seem that way, I am still in a good mood.

Oh yes! How could I have forgotten that I wanted to talk about this….
Woy told his mom. Yes. He told his mom. About us. His mom. About us. I am still processing it after two days. I wonder how they got onto the subject. I mean, you don’t just walk up to your mom all of a sudden and say “Hey mom. I just thought you’d like to know…”
I am glad he told her though. Apparently she reacted quite calmly.
*yuck this gingerbeer is sweet*
I wonder what she’s thinking. Yes, I know I’m still only a teen, but the whole mother-in-law thing… I’m stressing about that somewhat. What if she thinks I’m crazy (oh wait, I am) or an idiot or hopeless at cooking Polish dishes one day or something. Yes, I am stressing about things that aren’t very important. But still. I’m stressing.

It is now some time later and my head still feels like lead. It’s also almost 10 and Woy is still not here….
/me sighs
I’m getting worried…

My finger is hurting. I wonder why.

I’m listening to this gorgeous song by Barlow Girls, called Million Voices. If you bother listening to it, pay special attention to the vocal part about two thirds of the way into the song. Stunningly done.

I look quite terrible. My hair goes all curly when the weather is rainy and I look very tired. My hair was absolutely impossible this morning. My freaking fringe wouldn’t stop curling. I eventually gave in and it ended up  making these kinks in all random directions. I was constantly trying to tame it. In vain.
I’ma turn off the lights and just sit against the wall listening to music. Maybe my headache will go away. I hope. I really hope so.

Don’t worry my non existant readers. I’m all better now.

I’m tired of my life.
I feel so in between.
I’m sick of all my friends, girls can be so mean
I feel like throwin’ out everything I wear
I’m startin’ over new,
Coz I’m not even there.

Sometimes,
I wanna get away some place,
But I don’t wanna stay too long.
Sometimes
I wanna brand new day,
Try to fit in where I don’t belong

Hook hook me up.
I wanna feel the rain in my hair.
Hook hook me up.
Where should we go I don’t even care

I like the lights turned out,
the sound of closing doors.
I’m not like other girls,
who always feel so sure.
Of everything they are,
of what their gonna be.
Sometimes I’m just a girl stuck inside of me

Sometimes i wanna disappear some place,
but I don’t wanna stay too long.
Sometimes,
I’m feelin’ so alone,
Tryin’ to fit in where I don’t belong.

Their gonna crash and burn,
I’m gonna find a way,
Nothin’ left to say

I took a painkiller against the cramps. But those don’t help when it’s your heart that actually hurts the most.

I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. So much…
I need him here right now. To just hold me tightly and watch the storm with me. Watch the lightning and let me hide my head in his chest when there’s a sudden clap of thunder. To kiss me softly and run his fingers through my hair. To go sit outside in the pouring rain and get drenched together.

Hey everyone.

My grandparents came over for dinner tonight. They gave my sister and me each a card (they love things like that). Mine congratulated me on my acedemic achievements. My sister’s was about three pages. In it…
my gran wanted to donate her kidney to my mom at one stage. My mom said no. That when she died, she needed my gran to stay behind and look after us. But that now, my gran barely sees us and she doesn’t even know what is going on in our lives anymore. Apparently, she feels like she almost knows more about my cousing in New Zealand than us. And that did hurt somewhat. I will now make a conscious effort to go visit them more.

You know. The weird thing is that, a couple of years ago, I would’ve freaked out completely at the thought of anything happening to my gran. But, right now, it’s like I can’t even be sure I would. I probably would. Very probably. But the thought doesnt kill me completely like it used to. And I’d know.
I used to do this really weird thing in which I imagined a whole load of random, painful things that could happen to me. This included everything from something happening to my grandparents, to something happening to my dad, to a fire burning the house down, etc. And I used to spend my nights crying at all my thoughts. The imagination is the most effective torture device known to man, because only you know what kills you. And only your imagination can convince you of it happening (without it really happening and without anyone else knowing what it is).
Why on earth did I torture myself like that?  Thinking thoughts like that? Why? Was I somehow (subconsciously) trying to protect myself by being prepared for most situations? Was I trying to escape real pain by creating pain (displacement of pain and all that)? Did I maybe enjoy seeing myself as a tragic victim (which doesn’t even make sense seeing as I hate sounding like the victim. I rarely tell my story to make me sound like the victim except maybe when I blog here or when I talk to Woy and I tell him what’s wrong. Then I probably sound like the victim. But I hate sounding even remotely like a poor girl who suffers from depression, had a troubled childhood, wants to hurt herself (not so much anymore, thankfully), etc. I hate sounding like that, because that is not who I am. Those are lies that I sometimes believe, but that is not the complete version of me. Because, although those things might be (at least partly) true, there are also positive things in my life. And I am not about to just sit and watch all this happen. I also have a free will. And I am not a victim. So I hate sounding like one)? Oh well.
But that was pretty stupid. Maybe that hurt me somewhat more than everything else. Fear that something would happen to the people I had left. I always made sure to say goodbye properly every time I went out of their sight… you know… the day I last saw my mom I didn’t say goodbye to her properly. I was at a volleyball tournament and all my friends were around when she left. So I’m not even sure whether I gave her a kiss.
Now I always say goodbye. Always. Regardless of who is around. I learnt it the hard way.
We were supposed to go visit her that night before she went into theatre. But we never went.

/me shrugs and promptly changes topic

Argh. I’m not feeling very well. Might be PMS related. Or related to my whole not-eating-decently-for-a-while thing. Or maybe riding those lifts at the hospital today (I was there to go look at my hacker uncle’s wife’s baby. She’s really sweet (the baby). She’s got long dark hair and quite light skin. And she makes the cutest squeak noises). I don’t know. After I ride a lift, it’s like I’m walking on air for a good few meters. Really cool, but not when you start walking into stuff. That probably has to do with my blood pressure.
lol. I sound really sickly, don’t I? Don’t worry. I’m not really. I’m fine.

lol Natalie and Caro crack me up. Especially Natalie today. She is completely head over heels with this one guy, Kyle. She’ll jump up and down, blush, spin around, giggle, talk, jump some more, laugh, etc. In under a minute. And all the time she talks about how he makes her feel, I am mentally saying “Yup, yup, yup, yup….”

I was day dreaming about him all the way there (the hospital) and all the way back. And all the time in-between. Just thinking about him gives me these little flutters in my stomach. And, of course, I smile like an idiot. I beam a blinding smile at anyone and everyone in the vicinity and I don’t even mind the fact that I look like a complete idiot, standing there, smiling at nothing. No way I am telling anyone this though. No freaking way. I shouldn’t even write this here in case someone in front of who I want to maintain dignity finds this somehow.
I just love him so much. So much. So much my heart gets all fluttery every time I think of him. This is terribly cliched, I know. But have you ever considered the fact that cliches are used so much because they are true?
I wrote this poem. I’m not sure whether or not to give it to him though. He’ll find it eventually. But I don’t want him to get it from my blog. But I do not have the courage to email it. I’m just way too nervous/embarassed/scared.
You know that feeling of absolute contentment. When you’re still in bed and it’s all warm and you’re only semi-awake and your vision is all hazy. The best is when you’re in someone’s arms (well, I’m pretty sure it is. When there’s warmth from another body next to you. Just the other warm body and the covers). Absolute bliss. And it’s cold and drizzling outside, the garden outside is crisp with cold, but you don’t worry because you’re all warm and toasty and sleepy where you are. Absolute bliss. Well, I tried to capture that. I’m just not sure… not sure at all…

Your Cliched (oh this is terrible. A cliched poet) Sarcastic Poet

This is really messed up.
You know that really gorgeous lady from church’s daughter? The one I’m pretty tight with? Well, she called me a while ago. She sounded okay, so I’m like “Yeah hey….” blah blah, breezing through the small talk. I thought she had called to check up on me (after her offer last time). Then she started telling me about her day. It’s her birthday, so they went to the mall and had a great time tonight and all. Her, a couple of friends and her crush, Marius.
Now the thing is… she is really into this guy. The other thing is… you know her mom had a baby when she was younger, right? A boy. And she had him adopted. And he was named Marius… Me and her (as in the daughter) always used to joke that she must make sure never to fall for any guys named Marius within that age group. But she thought she was safe with this guy… he was in a grade a year younger than her brother would be.
But her mom told her tonight. That this guy. Is her brother. This is so messed up.
They even look similar.
*sighs*
Messed up.
So she was calling me because she felt she had to tell someone (interesting how people react differently. I would’ve bottled it up and written about it. She talks about it). I really didn’t know what to say most of the time. It was mainly silence. And she was crying. And I couldn’t even hug her. Argh. Messed up. And now they’re going for a braai at their house on Saturday. She has no idea how to act around him any more. I wouldn’t either. I phoned her back again later. I still didn’t really have anything more to say. So I told her that. I told her that I didn’t really know what to say when she called. And that I still don’t know. But that I phoned anyway to make sure that she’s okay . There was mostly silence for most of that conversation too. She doesnt mind though. She knows I’m here for her. Even though I might not talk, I’m always here. I hope she’s okay.

My eating patterns are so messed up. I’ll eat nothing but breakfast (half a bowl of muesli) for the first half of the day. Then I either don’t get hungry, or if I do, I crave salt and protein. But no oily stuff. Just dry, salty protein. And then I eat quite a lot. Then I’ll crave sweet. Like pineapples. And then nothing again for a couple of days. What is up with this? *sighs*

I have something very interesting to discuss. And I shall. Soon. Probably on Friday. And I shall also finish the restaurant story .  I have to go now

Your Worried-About-Messed-Up-Ness Sarcastic Poet

I will carry on with that fish restaurant story at some point. Really, I will. But not right now.

So today was weird. Went to school in a really good mood. Had subs first period with Lehman, English teacher. She overheard some people talking one day about me and Woy… now she is forever on my case about it. She says she won’t push or tell anyone. But she’s warning me to think twice and not just jump into anything headfirst. She says that the fact that I keep whatever it is a secret means that there must be something about it I want to hide. Something that’s wrong about it. *sighs* Firstly, I have thought. So much. And I can’t come up with anything better than this. Nevermind thinking twice, I hvae thought a couple of hundred times (if not more). There isn’t anything wrong with it. Well, not technically. It’s just not what people usually do. And that people would freak out if they were to find out.

Then we had Life Orientation. It was pretty boring. Did the whole self-analysis thing. Again. Quite boring. Then double Afrikaans which was extremely boring. Then subs. In which Morne, Robynne and I had a fairly decent conversation (well, mainly because there wasn’t anyone else to talk to ). Then we had Science. We were all pretty asleep. We’re doing the Nitrogen cycle and it’s very boring…
Then we had second break. The whole gang was way asleep. We just sat (and lay) on (and around) the bench. It’s like there was this cloud of laziness that just slowed the whole school down. No-one had brought food. There were very few people on the field. There was only one game going on (the ever-ambitious grade 8’s playing rugby. Or trying to. Maybe if they keep at it long enough…*shrugs*). Then more Science. My Astrid Peach (yes, lol. We all call each other peaches. Well, Astrid, Agnes and I) wrote her mid-year exam today. Since she kinda dropped science in the middle term, then came back. She can never make up her mind. So now she needs the marks… So she wrote today. I hope it went well.
Then English. We were supposed to be writing some or other newscolumn. I just daydreamed. Came home. Went shopping. Oh yes, we went shopping. And it was also quite nice. Either the shops have all suddenly become very user-friendsly or my mood is good enough to have actually made peace with it *suspiciously wonders how long this will last*

Spent the day at home, doing homework, playing piano and writing. And playing freecell .

Tomorrow night is prize giving. Oh joy. I wonder whether I’d get into trouble for bunking. *grins* Probably not. I’m in the lowest grade in the phase, so the chances of getting anything are farely remote. We have to get something like 10 or 20 percent higher than the grades above us to win the trophies. So someone who gets 84% for something in grade 11 would beat me if I got 93. You catch my drift. And so on and so forth.

I still wasn’t hungry earlier today. Ate half a bowl of muesli. Then a handful of blitong for lunch. And if it had been earlier this week, that would pretty much have been my whole day’s food (apart from some salad and maybe some meat at dinner).  At dinner tonight I had some macaroni and potatoes (and meat and salad). And then I suddenly got very hungry. I had, like, a slice of toast and some soup and some milk (chocolate, lol) on top of it. I haven’t been this full for a good month. And no, I do not (even usually) eat this much. But I’ve suddenly gotten very hungry. I whether I’ll be back to normal tomorrow. Hopefully.

My word it’s hot. I am sitting here in boxers and a bra and I am still melting. I love SA. As much as I complain about the heat and everything . I just adore it. I don’t know how I’ll survive Germany. *sighs a little* But I guess I will. I’ll have to. *shrugs and sighs a little*

I will be philosophical and deep. TOmorrow. HOnest. If I get time to post tomorrow. But soon, don’t worry. For now I have to go , though. Bye all.

Your Suddenly-Hungry Sarcastic Poet

He called me Babygirl today….*smiles like only a love-struck idiot can and goes to talk to him some more*

Hello everyone not reading this. You won’t believe it. When I woke up today and saw myself in the mirror, my first thought was that I looked rather pretty today. I have no idea why, seeing as my hair was all messed up and I looked really tired. And usually when I look at myself even when I’m presentable, that isn’t my first reaction. My first reaction usually criticizes me (you’re your own worst critic and all, I guess) Now I don’t generally classify my looks as pretty. Just not ugly. *shrugs* Weird that today, I randomly thought I was pretty.

Anyway. Today was a realy enjoyable day (for the first time in ages). I was up talking to the love of my life until around 7 this morning, then I went to bed and tried to sleep (which was pretty hard, seeing as everyone was waking up). I slept about four hours. Then I was woken up… by my mom, with a huge straw hat in her hand, two dogs and my grandma. I was half-asleep, but from what I could deduce, my gran wanted me to look something up on the net for her. I looked at them both like they were crazy and told them that the pc was off. I think my mom saw that I was definitely not all there, so she shooed them all out again (what would I do without her, honestly) and let me sleep in peace.
I woke up again some tme later and decided to go have a nice bath. I did so, as well as other things that are related to that. I was in a very spontaneous mood this morning…. Don’t freak out, but I actually painted my toenails. That is something that I almost never do. The last time I actually painted them decently was probably a good couple of years ago. And I didn’t just paint them… I painted them pink. With nail polish I jacked from my little sister, since all of mine are long dry, lol.
And, since I was so busy being spontaneous, I decided to wear shorts. Black shorts, a turqoise strappy top (with a black cross-over top over it) and pink nail polish. The nail polish cancelled out any effects which the black might have had. I also tied my hair back into two pigtails. Yes, pigtails. Let me wear them if I want. *grins* I told you I was being spontaneous. I also tried the whole eyeliner thing again and it tured out pretty well. Makeup I can do. Anything except eyeliner. I just don’t generaly see the appeal of sticking a pencil in your eye. The things we do to look pretty, honestly. And there wasn’t even anyone to dress up for. My subconscious mind is overly active.
I then went and hung the washing up, which was fun, since the clothes all had identity crisis and seemed to believe that they were kites… they still won’t believe me… but it was fun all the same. Tons of wind .

Then we went shopping. Which wasn’t nearly as bad as it usually is. You see, my idea of absolute hell would be… trudging from store to store, looking for something you might like, then they have it in your size, then actually try it on. And then there are still the added factors of useless staff, forgotten articles, and boredom. Usually, someone has to point out the clothes to make me look at it twice. Today, though, there wa sonly one store. And they had really pretty clothes. I actually had to start begging my mom not to put osme of the stuff back. I won, with the argument that I barely ever go shopping and find tons of stuff that I like. *grins* So yeah. We;re going to go shop more on Monday. We’re buying shorts (or jeans ) and underwear.
We got home, and it was raining quite hard. Of course, I stood outside in the rain for a good while. It was delicious. It has finally rained Yay! So I showed my clothes to the person paying for them , then we went to Cape Town Fishmarket (which is a seafood restaurant…. okay. I’ma go now. I’m really tired and I shall continue this conversation tomorrow.