So much for that. I need to get myself out of this. Right now. We, as humans, don’t need to just be governed by what we feel. We really don’t. But I’m not sure whether ignoring this feeling and trying to get out would count as suppressing. Which I have done enough of to last about five lifetimes and I’m suffering enough consequences to last me a couple of hundred.

It;s really pretty outside. And my room’s light is reflecting against the black on my screen and making this beautiful pinkish, yellowish haze. Gorgeous.

Back to what I was trying to say (if anything) *rereads* Oh yeah. I was about to stress.
I can’t let myself just be down when I want to. I need to be able to be disciplined to get up again. Somehow. Without suppressing. Somehow. Yeah, somehow. I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. And who is going to want to know and live with me if I either put up a mask or am just plain depressed all the time.
There is medication against depression. But I’ve heard that makes you numb (besides, I’m not even sure whether this feeling is just me being weird, a psychological problem or a medical one. Most likely I’m just making all this up for attention. I wouldn’t know. But that’s actually what I’m afraid of. That I’m the one making myself sick like this all the time). And I’m already numb enough, thank you. I still have to consciously break down walls every time I talk to someone. With everyone. And it’s agony leaving myself vulnerable like that. But if I don’t then I’m never going to get anywhere. Besides, as much as it hurts, I need to be open and be able to talk to Woy. It’s not fair of me to expect him to forever be climbing my walls. It’s not fair. So I break them down. The only problem, is that my subconscious seems to regard out relationship as a danger-zone and buils up those walls so incredibly fast. But it’s all good. I’ll break down for the rest of my life if that’s what I have to do to stay with this guy.

It’s more yellow than pink outside now. Stunning.

I wonder what on earth is wrong with me today.

Whatever.

~ by cravingoxygen on November 4, 2008.