Hey all.

Yes, I’m finally back. Please, no confetti or anything. And I don’t do autographs either, sorry.

So…. it’s finally holidays. And thank goodness. I was going crazy with all the work they were giving us. It’s Tuesday now and we have until next week Monday. And I still have a major Science project. And an IT project. But oh well.
My pc’s harddrive crashed and (after tons and tons of mix-ups) I have reinstalled everything. I still need to install Turbo Delphi so I can actually do my homework, though.

My room is currently in a state of absolute chaos. I usually like chaos. It keeps other people away and I prefer not living like a perfectionist. But this is really a tad too much. And  trust me when I say that my version of chaos is equivalent to your version of someplace uninhabitable. It’s like… you know underneath the school stage? Where you keep all the props stacked in boxes and black bags and have totally random things standing around underneath a layer of dust as thick as the phonebook? It’s like that. Except maybe minus the dust (I’m allergic to dust) and plus more random stuff. I really need to do something about it I guess.

Okay, I am a whole lot less depressed than I was in my last lot of posts. I don’t have knife-involved thoughts every ten minutes any more. It’s not like I’m no depressed or anything. But I switch a lot between depressed and (relatively) normal. Thankfully, I’ve been managing to get myself out of the rut whenever I get into it. It’s like when you have a really hot and really cold swimming pool next to each other. You can switch between them as much as you like as long as you dont stay too long in either one.
And I’m okay again. I can breathe.

You know that woman from church? The one I consider to be so incredibly beautiful? Well… she’s decided to publish (lol almost wrote ‘post’ instead of ‘publish.’ That’s when you know that you’ve been blogging too much) this book about the issues today’s youth face. And… well… she kinda asked us for contributions. She asked me for poems about feelings and how teens today feel. Well, she asked. So I gave her Craving Oxygen, Waterlogged, Narcotic Flood, Hooked on Hope, Desert and poems like that.
I was pretty nervous giving them to her, knowing that I was totally blowing my cover and risking prety much everything by doing so. I asked her not to show it to anyone unless she plans on publishing it. I am going to get so killed. You see, my friends are going to get those books. And the ‘rents will want to see my contributions. Why was I so stupid?
But anyway. She called yesterday. She told my sister that she’d like to use her and my work (my sister gave her some pics). Then my sis calle dme to the phone. I was took a deep breath and shuffled to the pohone like a convict shuffles to the noose. I knew I was totally in for it. She was very cheerful. Said that I have lots of talent and that she was surprised at their quality. That I should use my talent and that she’d like to use more than one of my poems. Then there was this little pause. I took another deep breath, knowing what was coming. I also bit my lip, probably. She said that she’d like to talk to me sometime about the content of me poetry. She said that it’s very dark. And she needs to talk to me about why.
The thing is, I’m getting better now. My poetry is starting to look up, even if it is just a couple of millimeters (as Woy spent about an hour or so showing me. *smiles*). I can breathe again. I’m not half-suicidal all the time anymore. I’m starting to be okay. Like someone just out of hospital. Recovering but still really ‘tenger’ (which directly translated means ‘fragile’ but it’s a term more applicable to humans). And I really don’t want to or need to talk about all that stuff right now.
/me takes a deep breath
Woy says the solution would be to show her my newest poetry. But you know… in my opinion, most of them aren’t exactly all that positive either. I admit that they are a lot less morbid, but still. Not exactly the stuff you show to someone to prove that you’re okay inside. But oh well.
/me takes another deep breath

I havent been sleeping much lately. I go to bed between 5 and 7 and only get up in the afternoon : P
I got woken up around 7 today. My moms and sister are going on an outreach to Swaziland. They’ll be back on Sunday (and, as I’ve mentioned, it’s Tuesday now. Or, at least I think it is. Lemme check. Yes, it is). This doesnt really affect me all that much. It does, however, mean that I have to cook :S And probably do the dishes (which I have managed to get out of doing lately). Oh well.

I’ve started a series of sketches. As in, poetry sketches. Consisting of about four short stanzas each. Like scenes in a movie. And in the end, when you read them all, you’re supposed to be able to get the whole story. It started a while ago. I had the first three stanzas which were really cool, but I couldnt get the rest to work decently. Finally, the little light bulb above my head (yes, I have one. Dont you?) lit up and I came up with the idea of, firstly, repeating the first stanzas last line in the last stanza to get the rythm right and, secondly, of keeping it that short and then doing a whole lot of poems that work together. I hope it’ll work ou okay.

Hm. Almost at a thousand words already. Cant remember the last time I wrote this much all at once. Oh wait, I do. Astrid and I are writing this story. Rings of Violet. The problem is that, with the whole crash thing, I seem to have lost it. *sighs heavily* So much work went into that. And I dont think that I’ll be able to rewrite it. But oh well.

I’ma go do some work now. It’s not exactly like I dont have anything to do. You might see me around again later today. Probably.

Your Prodigal Sarcastic Poet

~ by cravingoxygen on September 30, 2008.