/me ’s fingers hurt.
In case you have ever wondered…. chewing your fingers to keep yourself from falling asleep does work, but it also leaves you with bruised fingers the next day. I really need to find a less painful way of staying awake.

lol. Today I was called an innocent criminal and a clever idiot.
/me grins
Yup. That’s me. And that, class, is what you call a paradox. : P

Today was really cool. We dissected a pig’s chest in Biology. We played around with the lungs, then we took a tube and put it down the trachea and blew, and the lungs, like, actually expanded. Then, we cut a part of it off and blew down the tube again. The lungs expanded and air bubbled out of the bronchioles (or those really tiny tubes at any rate). If you held your finger there, you could feel the air coming out. Also, if you took a small piece of it and squeeze it, you can feel the little air bubbles. It was really cool. And don’t worry, I fully support animal rights and I actually get freaked out by raw meat. Until you start dissecting it…
So.
Then we cut the heart out and tried to fan it out, but we cut it the wrong way and it was half frozen anyway. So we cut the other group’s heart up (lol, that sounds weird). That one worked better, we could see the different heart chambers and stuff. Really cool. We also cut up the liver and the bladder, but those weren’t particularly interesting. I ended up having some blood on my skirt, but that’s better than Vicki… she’s not in our Bio class, but in the one above it. And she was helping us dissect the heart. Without gloves.

/me grins
Yesterday the whole lot of us were standing around talking. And KayG randomly says “You know how white fairytales always start with once upon a time…?”
And we all look at him weird and nod.
And then he says “Well, you know how black fairytales start?”
And we all shake our heads.
“Nigga, you ain’t gonna believe this….”

/me laughs
That guy is so random.

I hate calculating UIF. It is one of the easiest calculations to do. And yet, I somehow always manage to mes it up. Every single freaking time. I end up rewriting it wrong, or working it out wrong or writing it wrong or something. Stupid thing. Who knows why we do it to ourselves to work it out. Really stupid thing. Why do we allow the government to take so much of our money anyway!? We won’t even use it’s benefits half the time. Lost 20% of my last exam for making one stupid freaking mistake on those UIF calculations. Of course, I get all the hard stuff right, but when it comes to the easy stuff..
/me sighs and kicks the desk
/me shrugs
Oh well. Guess it won’t kill me. And I just love feeling like an idiot. And no, I’m not a perfectionist, anyone reading this. But when you get 80% instead of 100%, because of one stupid UIF calculation, then it is annoying. And I still can’t get UIF to work properly. The curse of the UIF…..

Hm. In English, you address most people as ‘you’ regardless of their age or social standing. In afrikaans though, you address people who are ten or more years older than you as ‘tannie’ (female) or ‘oom’ (male). It’s like saying ’sir’ or ‘ma’am’ just more personal. Directly translated, it means aunt and uncle, but it’s more of a respectful form of address. If I’m making sense here.
And last night, to my great trepidation and bemusement, I was called ‘tannie.’ After I closed my mouth, I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or be offended. Because I am just such a sweet person I decided to just smile and say yes.
Me? A tannie? Oh please. I’m still a teenager. And I’m being addressed as tannie. lol.

I have decided that I actually enjoy high school. Much more than I enjoyed primary school, at any rate. I don’t have to worry about my books being neat or colouring things in. My books are mine and I can do what I like in them, as long as I have them there for class. I can draw or write or whatever and no-one will really care. Pen or pencil or highlighter, whatever. As long as the work I hand in is in pen, then it’s cool.
Also, no standing behind our chairs and mumbling “Good morning teachers and friends” along with the rest of the choir every lesson. No worrying about crossing out in pencil with a ruler. And even though, technically, tippex isn’t allowed, you can go ahead and use it as long as you don’t use it in the end-of-year exams.
/me shrugs and grins
Yup. High school is the life. Well, .when you compare it to primary  school anyway. Less worrying about details and more attention to what’s (relatively) important. I’d still prefer no school at all. But whatever.

My sister got back from Singapore today. She got back around 7 this morning, but I only saw her when I got home around 5. She really really enjoyed it. She was here in my room babbling happily about how cool it was all afternoon long. And she finally told me what has been wrong with her all along. Finally. I really care about that girl, even though I complain about her a lot. That’s just what I do.
She broke down crying and, for a change when someone cries, I didn’t wonder what to do. I just went and hugged her and held her and told her that everything would be fine. I hope it helped. She said that she feels like I’m the one person who understands her. And although I know for sure that I definitely do not understand her, I do ‘feel’ her (and no, you sick-minded people. Not in that way).

I have this theory (one of my many). That everyone is messed up (well, almost everyone). That everyone feels, at least at some point of their life, that they have lost control. Everyone has something terrible happen to them at some point in time; their own mountain to climb. Really interesting. Or maybe I just know all the weird people. *shrug shrug*

I’m really worried about that friend of mine. The one getting herself into serious trouble with those guys. We were discussing sex in Life Orientation today (why does it always seem like all we ever discuss is sex, alcohol, drugs and friends..) and she suddenly broke down crying. I have no idea what is going on, but it hurts to see her hurting like this. I don’t know whether it had anything to do with the topic, or whether she was just thinking about stuff that made her sad. I know that happens to me sometimes. Randomly freak out and get all depressed about something that has nothing whatsoever to do with the topic, mainly because of my random mind getting the best of me. But whatever.
I really hope she’s alright. She’s not going to tell me anything. Yoli knows all about it, of course. But I’m not gonna push. I never really do. I’ll just hang around and be there for her if she needs or wants me. That’s just my way of doing it, I guess.

I love the city at night. I just adore all the lights and the cars and the signs and the air. It’s like there’s this vibe of being alive. Like the night will just go on and on forever. The feeling of all the people around you, each living his or her own life, with her own feelings, memories, dreams and wishes. It sends a shudder down my spine. I adore it. I don’t know whether I’d survive in one of those quiet, little ‘dorpies’ that always seem to be half-asleep. They just have this atmosphere of Sunday-afternoon-naps hanging over them. Like a big, heavy and prickly blanket.
I love the city. I love the noise and the lights and the people. And I love the stars. The best is to just drive around all night. Start out in a city, then go outside of it where it’s quiet and you can see the Milky Way above you. Then go into a city again and feel the beat of all the hearts in it. Then go into the quiet again and watch the stars beat. Breathe the night air and feel alive again.

Yeah.

And I’m saving the craziest for last
Here goes…
We have a lot of substitution periods in the computer classroom. And since I am a freak with nothing better to do, I fool around on them. Now, the pc next to the one I usually use has a really cute pic as the wallpaper which someone uploaded onto it. I decided that since I had my flashdrive on me and since I was bored, to put some of my pics on the pc I use.
Since they blocked us from being able to put things on the pc from our flashdrives, I *ahem* logged in as admin *ahem* and put them pics onto the pc. Then rebooted and logged in as usual. Fooled around with them a bit and put one of the prettiest ones as the background.
Now the thing is, these pics are… well… they could be classified as emo. But they’re not the ones that have I-want-to-slice-my-wrists written all over them. They are just symbolic, or thought-provoking or sad. Maybe one or two that are depressing. And the other thing is that I’m in a Christian school.
So the next day, subs was there again. A friend of mine noticed the pics and liked them, so she started copying them onto her flashdrive. Someone next to her noticed. Who called someone else to come look. And in the end, the teacher saw.
The teacher gave the screen one look and promptly freaked out.
I was innocently sitting with my back to them, doing my Accounting homework (which I hadn’t done the night before) and didn’t really care what all the bother was about. Until the principal came in. I dunno whether they had called her, or whether she had just come in to talk to the teacher, but I think it was the latter because she had been there a couple of minutes earlier asking where the teacher is. But anyway.
The point of all this is that she saw them too. And totally freaked out too. My poor friend, who just happened to be sitting at the pc at the time, was promptly cornered and half-interrogated (So maybe I’m exaggerating a tad…), but she didn’t know it was me, thankfully.
THe teacher just kept mentioning that she couldn’t understand how someone could just put the pictures there, as they had blocked us from doing that.
And the principal, being the sweetie-pie that she is, started going on some “This poor child who put these pictures here” and “It is so sad that someone would do this. This is terrible” and “This poor child is obviously trying to send a help message, but doesn’t know how else to communicate it.”
And there I was, hearing all of this, and trying my very very best not to crack up while they were all looking.
/me promptly cracks up now
XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD
/me grins
My only comment on that is: I’m really glad that none of my poetry is on there….
Yeah. lol. Then I started stressing. You see, I have no problem with putting the pics there. After all, there is technically no rule against it. They just try their best to make is impossible. Which is exactly why I still try. But anyway. If they were to get the whole high school together and ask the person who put them there to own up, I would have to own up. Because of my darned conscience and because, on top of all the crazy things I do, I am still a Christian, and lying isn’t something I should be doing. That wouldn’t be quite so funny… a little late to think about that now. But whatever.
They would, firstly, be very shocked. I am the quiet, good little girl who is always polite and always (forced to) run the errands (besides, it’s a way to bunk…). So maybe not the goodie-two-shoes in the class, but still reasonably sweet.
They would probably call my parents in. And the Life Orientation teacher. And the vice-principal and the CEO. And then we would all sit squished up in the head’s office and discuss how depressed and crazy I am and how worried they are about me. I don’t know what my parents would do. I would probably be sent for counselling. Again. We actually used to have a school shrink and I’ve had to go to her before, as a matter of fact. They would immediately connect the pics to my mother’s death and think that I haven’t recovered properly and am sending distress signals via pictures (or something. Don’t ask me, I’m not a teacher).

/me sighs, then grins because all this fuss about a couple of non-flower pics is absolutely hilarious.

And maybe they are doing this because they are worried about me. But, even though I don’t really hink I am fine, I do not plan on getting sent to a shrink. Not again. Not any time soon anyway. SOmetimes I wonder whether that will even help. Maybe all this emo (and I still protest, I am not that emo) stuff is all just in my head and I am actually fine and just want attention. This has crossed my mind more than once, But whatever. My reality, is after all, what goes on in my mind.
/me grins again
I was hosing myself about it the whole rest of the day. The funniest thing is that they will never ever suspect me.I am probably one of the few people who they don’t suspect. There are a couple of people who know though, so I’m not all that safe.
/me frowns
Astrid definitely knows, she was hosing herself along with me. Mbimbi knows. He was grinning at me and asking me how I was feeling now that I had finally nearly gotten into trouble for something… I told him it gave me a rush. Which was true. lol. And Caro knows. I heard her discussing with a couple of friends that she isn’t saying that it was me… but I know she knows it was because I’m the only one who knows how to get in and has the pics. Which means that lots of people have suspicions. Also, my friend who was trying to get the pics onto her flashdrive and got cornered for it knows. lol. And I think lots of other people (meaning students, not teachers) know. But I don’t think that people will intentionally rat on me. Oh wait, Robynne also knows. Darn. She might tell, thinking that it’s for my own good and all. Hm. Maybe I should upload a couple of pics that have lots of flowers and blue skies in them. Change their minds and all.
lol.
Now I totally understand what Woy was telling me the other night about how hacking often induces paranoia.
I freaked out every time I heard an announcement over the intercoms. And the worst was at break. I was standing there, innocently talking to my friends, when I see the principal coming closer. I smile at her and then turn back to my friends. I notice she is coming closer. And heading towards our group. And heading towards me. My throat closes up. She smiles and says “Hello, my girlie. Could you please do me a favour?” Knowing there was nothing else I could do, I nodded, expecting her to tell me to come to her office after break or something. Amazingly, she only asked me to go get something from the church office for her. And I, being near to hyperventilating with relief, smiled and nodded like the good little girl she thinks I am.
Not my fault she thinks that.
I mean, it’s not my fault if they’ll make wrong assumptions like that. And all the while she was talking to me, I was wondering whether she’d be asking me this if she knew it was me who uploaded those pics. Talk about a freaking conscience. When it wasn’t even technically wrong either. lol.
But I’m not home free yet. There’s still assembly tomorrow.
/me sighs deeply
Stupid pictures. How do I get myself into these things? And all this just because of a few pics that I thought were pretty, if a tad morbid.

Your Apparently-Emo-and-Depressed-and-In-Need-Of-Help-But-With-Communication-Problems Sarcastic Poet. lol

~ by cravingoxygen on July 31, 2008.