/me sighs
Yeah whatever.
…
So. As you might have noticed lately, my blogging has changed a lot (if you actually come here regularly, which I doubt). This is probably because I knew that people who I know are reading it. No way I can really put it all here then. But the person reading it, noticed that. And, being the total sweetheart that he is, promised to delete his bookmark to me and not read any more.
/me sighs
Whatever. Again. So prepare for one of my infamously long posts.
Firstly, here’s one I wrote a while back but never published because he was reading it. But whatever.
…begin post….
I can’t fathom guys. And I’m pretty sure I never will. They are impossible sometimes. No offense meant against anyone.
/me shakes her head
I give up. And this paragraph has nothing to do with what’s below.
I came to an astonishing conclusion today. I love God. And I made this discovery while washing dishes of all things. I’ve been struggling with this my whole life. It’s like I’ve never really known how I’m sure whether or not I love God. I’ve always just turned my emotions off. Like switches. And, I guess, that might have damaged me somehow. I don’t really know what it means to love someone. But today, regardless of that, I realized that I love God. Amazing.
And I was thinking. At the beginning of the week my honest thoughts were: “I do not want a soulmate. A soulmate is the last thing I need right now. I am just trying to survive; to cope.”
The next stage was: “I’m crazy. This is the one situation I promised myself never to get into. I am in such freaking trouble. How do I ge myself into these things….”
Then, largely thanks to Astrid who is the one person I can count on to keep a secret and not to freak out about it, I started being happy about it. I have been in a wonderful mood for the past day. Just thinking about him. I am not sure whether I love him. Because I never am about such things. But I do know that I have deep feelings for him. Or I think so. I don’t know. I should never have been so stupid to go numb so much. Now I suffer for it every day.
What we are gonna try do is impossible. It is eating him up inside, not being able to see me. Every day. And it’s only been, like, a week. Officially. Never mind four years.
/me sighs
I really don’t want to hurt this guy. He should go on with his life and forget about me. I will be fine. I always am. I’ll go numb again. And besides, I’m not completely sure how I feel about him in the first place. I’m never sure about anyone. And I hate it. But whatever. I am ruining his life. And I’m just a messed up teenager who isn’t even sure whether she loves anyone (except God now, thankfully). I have no right to do that. I wish he could just forget about me.
I think that I do love him though. I can never be sure. This is all so messed up. He is willing to wait for me. For 4 years. Is he crazy? I’m not even sure what I feel for him. I think that I do love him. But what if, after 4 years, we meet and we hate each other. Or he thinks I’m drop-dead ugly.
I thought about him all through the movie tonight. I don’t know how we’re gonna pull this off. This so sucks. I have no idea what we’re gonna do. My parents aren’t gonna allow me to go overseas to study. Not right after school. I’m nearly two years to young for my grade, for crying out loud. Which means that I’m stuck here (SA) for almost a year after school. And he’s in Poland.
And we are both pretty messed up people. But I can deal with that. I think I love him.
I am never publishing this. It is so totally gonna stay a draft.
..end of post…
Yeah well. So much for the draft part. And that was about a week or so ago. Amazing how much can happen in a week’s time. Rereading that, it’s amazing how many times I say that I think I love him. That is the most honest post I’ve written for ages.
This is the second time that I have messed things up big time because I was online when I should have been doing something else. First time caused a huge fight between me and one of my best online friends. And now this. I should just have logged off last night and then none of what has happened would’ve happened. And I should’ve kept my big mouth shut. But whatever. Lemme start from the beginning. You don’t have any idea at all what I’m going on about do you? Whatever.
Okay, so a month (I think) or so ago, an rp friend of mine and me were hanging around PS when we noticed some dude sitting in the middle of the road. We couldn’t resist talking to him and we discussed all sorts of nonsense for a while and then we split up again. I met him again later when I was wandering around the Death Realm with Reea’s boyfriend (and yes, my char’s name is Reea, don’t worry). We got onto the subject of poetry. I found out that he wrote a lot too. We stayed in contact, sending each other poetry and stuff. He started off with a ‘no opinions’ rule, but that quickly went down the drain. Then I got into a fight (the one mentioned in the paragraph above). I was all torn up inside because I really love this girl like a sister and no-one else who I knew even remotely well was online. So I started talking to him.
It’s a lot easier to talk to someone you don’t know, I guess. But whatever. So the whole lot of us made peace, eventually. But then there was a server upgrade. The server was down for ages and I don’t have any rl contact with most of my friends in rp. Except, coincidentally, his. He was sending me messages on the forums and emails and stuff and eventually we started talking on skype.
Conversation was always really interesting (as I have posted about before, I do believe). Then one night, it was a Sunday, we were discussing how we had only known each other two weeks, and yet it was like we had known each other since forever and he mentioned something about us two being soulmates. I got really freaked out. You see, I am just a paranoid teenager living in one of the unorganized-crime capitals in the world. And he is a really intelligent guy about ten years older than me living in Poland. Yeah.
Now, this is the sort of situation I believed that I would never get myself into. But whatever.
So the next day at school, we had subs and I asked a couple of friends their opinions. I don’t really know them well, but it’s only the four of us every Monday morning for an hour and a half, so they wouldn’t think anything strange about it if I randomly brought up the subject of soulmates. By the end of that day, I had managed to convince myself that he meant soulmates as in friends. Pffft. That lasted ’till about Monday night.
So now you pretty much have the gist of it. Or some of it anyway. Now, thing is….
You know the song Bleeding Love, right? That’s pretty much my life story. Practically word for word. But then, this dude came along and it’s just…
…
It’s like I’m alive when I’m around him. Like stuff matter. Like someone cares about me. And like I care about people. And things. And like everything will just be fine.
And I hope no-one I know reads this because then I am so ruined. But whatever.
I don’t have emotions. I really don’t. It’s just a vortex thingy, like a hurricane. Higher the one day, lower the next. But no real emotions. But this guy… he actually made me cry the one night. He was just so sweet and perfect and caring that he made me cry. No-one has ever done that before. And last night (I’ll tell you what happened later. I have the whole afternoon…) my heart actually hurt. It felt like it physically hurt. Like it was throbbing. Like it is literally cracking into thousands of pieces. I’ve only felt that once before and that was when my mother passed away. He made me crave a hug. I can’t remember the last time I really just craved someone’s arms around me. Someone who cares. But whatever.
/me sighs
But, it’s like, for some reason he believes that he’s keeping me back. And that I still have my whole life before me and that he is ruining it. And we got onto that subject again last night. I don’t know how to show him that he couldn’t be further from the truth. He’s the reason I’ve still got my whole life before me. Okay, so maybe I wouldn’t have slit my wrists or anything, but I would still be numb all the time. And being numb sucks. Damnit.
You see, it’s not what my skills that will make me happy one day. I could be a world-famous who-knows-what one day, but that doesn’t mean that I’ll be happy. Because it’s not what you can do that makes you happy, but the people you know, care about and love. That is what makes your life happy or not.
I don’t know what to say to him or do to convince him of this.
/me sighs.
He seems to believe that if he goes away I’ll forget about him and go on with my life. Is he stupid? I don’t care about other guys, not when I know him. *sigh again* Doing that would just hurt both of us. And I know what you’re thinking… Girl, getta life. He is just trying to get rid of you without hurting you… but it’s not like that. Not at all. He couldn’t lie to me. He wouldn’t. We know more about each other than anyone else in the world know about us.
And yes, I know we’re both crazy. And that you’re still thinking I’m just a hopeless sucker. But I mean come on.
/me smiles a little
He was worrying the other night. He was wondering whether him caring about me like he does would count as deviance or not. He eventually came to the conclusion that it doesn’t, because he didn’t know what I look like at the time. So this whole thing wasn’t physical. So it’s not deviance. He sounded quite relieved.
/me smiles a little again
But whatever.
/me sighs
He’s away for a week or so and he might not get online much. I am so confused. My thoughts keep drifting back to him. All day. And apparently, I’m not the only one to who life is complicated right now. But whatever. And I have been told that whether life is copmlex and hard or not is just a mindset and is all about your attitude, but whatever to that. It is sooo not true.
Hm. A dude in my class in charming some girl about 4 years younger than him. And you know what? I am not judging either of them. At least they are still within 5 years of each other.
/me sighs once more
It’s a pity that I have a conscience, really. Other wise I could be making tons of cash right now (Yes, I am trying to get away from the subject). Darn conscience. The going rate is currently about R30 an essay/poster/etc. Which could amount to quite a lot considering the amount of willing customers and the amount of work we have to do. But whatever.
I am going to go fool around on the piano for a while. I was asked to right a song a while ago… by the guy who all these issues are about… and I still haven’t finished. So bye for now.
Before I go… here’s the rough draft of a poem I’m currently writing. It’s still pretty titleless and it named Rain for now.
Rain
Miraged rain
Sitting
Sweltering
On sand of shed snakeskin
Fever of emotions
Taunting and
Breeding and
Coursing through
Throbbing veins
Headache and
Swollen eyes
Would cry more
But no tears left
Miraged rain
Pouring rain
Soothing
Shushing
Sweet voice of rain
Roll
With reckless abandon
Through the barbs of truth
Shards of lies
Mud of past
Puddles of cries
Can’t be bother with pain
Given up trying to quench it
Solve it
Get rid of it
Pouring rain
Drumming rain
Washing away
Debris of feeling
Body caked
With throwaway
Crusting
Weighed down
Hardening cement statue
On a soaked cement slab
Blessed oblivion
Wish it lasts
Hope it does
Drumming rain
Betraying rain
Once gentle
Now acid
Eating through
Precious few
Millimetres of callus
Stealing bricks
Of ageless walls
Left cold
Naked
Vulnerable
Another unnoticed larvae
For all to tread and spit on
Betraying rain
Pensive rain
Eyes closed
Jaw clenched
In apprehension of what may come
Wading
Slushing
Through
Puke of thoughts and scar tissue
Emotions hang
By a single root
En masse with death
And decay
It twitches
One simple message
“Want to feel”
Pensive rain
…
That’s it for now. I was planning on ending on a hopeful note, but I really can’t do hopeful right now. So it’ll have to stay this way for a while. It’s about going numb, in case you didn’t get it. I read it to Robynne since we were both so freaking bored in subs today and she already thinks I’m a crazy depressed emo anyway. I don’t think she got it. She said it was good. But only because she didn’t understand half the metaphors. lol a little. She is actually pretty sweet. Yeah, I might sound like I don’t like her and like she’s a shallow little nerd, but I don’t mean it that way. I do actually like her. Who am I to judge anyone, after all…
Oh well
/me crosses out those words. It makes her want to say “Yes, with water” the way she usually would because Woy would be reading this and would say that in his comment. But since he isn’t, she prefers not to even write that.
/me sighs instead
Bye for now
Uncertain Sarcastic Poet
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